Admittedly I was surprised to hear that Kate Holmes and Tom Cruise were getting a divorce. ?Finances were?definitely?not an issue and sex appeal most certainly can't be it. ?Then what can it possibly be that plagues all of our relationships? ?Irreconcilable?differences?
There have been countless studies published, theories contrived, and anecdotes told that attempt to figure out why so many relationships and marriages fail in the U.S.? We all know that 1 in every 2 married couples divorce, and it is even a lower success rate among pre-marital relationships.
Scientists have pointed to personality and behavioral incompatibility, financial issues as a major destructive catalyst, or even our innate human nature that rejects screwing the same person for 70 years.
Andrew J. Cherlin, sociology professor at John Hopkins University, is another one of those scientists attempting to answer the 30-million-dollar-question, but his approach is vastly different and quite promising.? In his book, The Marriage-Go-Round, he argues that American relationships and marriages fail at a higher rate than any other Western country because of two fundamental concepts: ?individualism and a wholehearted belief in sharing your life with another person.
Wait, wait..what?? I know, that?s what I immediately thought too, but after he illustrates both the history of the American ideology of individualism and the institution of marriage in the U.S., his theory may be the most profound one yet.
We live in a society where we undoubtedly value personal growth, happiness, and self-fulfillment.? Internet memes and inspirational quotes posted on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, instagram, etc. often emphasize the importance of being yourself and embracing your unique qualities.
Americans are increasingly accentuating self-motivation in the pursuit of happiness; that you and only you can control your fate through hard work and perseverance.? When it comes to relationships, we often say, ?If he (or she) isn?t making you happy anymore, then somebody else will.?
On the other hand, we wholeheartedly value commitment to others.? We love getting into a perceived exclusive relationship with someone.? Then there are others that are afraid or generally reluctant to commit as if commitment is like growing old, we can fight wrinkles, balding, and beer bellies as much as can, but inevitably it?s going to hit us.
We firmly believe that marriage is the most suitable form to have children within.? Having children out of wedlock is jeered as if only married couples are allowed to have them.? Having sex out of wedlock used to be outrageous.? Having casual sex is still somewhat stigmatized; having sex in a mutually exclusive relationship is most recommended.
In Cherlin?s cross-national study, he found that the U.S. is the only country that strongly invests in these two conflicting ideologies.? Some countries are entirely individualistic, while others are all about the sanctity of relationships and marriage, but the U.S. is the only one that fully envelops both ideologies.? This ideological clash is the unconscious cause of the demise of most relationships and marriages here in the U.S.
We live in a society that marries more often, divorces more often, and re-marries more often than any other Western industrialized country.? We value our personal freedom and conviction so much that it often collides with our romantic relationships like a roaring ocean clashing against the side of a rocky cliff.
I?ll conclude with this eye-opening story that embodies this American ideological conflict.? Cherlin illustrates the case of Abby Sage and Daniel McFarland in 1850s New York.? McFarland courted Abby into marriage with an image of an affluent lifestyle backed by his own start-up law practice.? The two were married then shortly after Abby learned that McFarland?s law practice was never going to develop; additionally he was an alcoholic and physically abusive.
One night McFarland found out Abby was seeking solace in a man by the name of Albert Richardson, a journalist at the Tribune.? He abused her all night then tracked down Richardson and shot him in the thigh.
Abby fled to Indiana, one of the only states that allowed divorce at the time to put an end to the formal binding agreement to McFarland and to start a new life with Richardson.? Upon learning the circumstances, McFarland walked right into the Richardson?s office at the newspaper and shot him dead.
Somehow, McFarland was acquitted of all charges, including murder.? His defense lawyers read scripture from the Bible to an all-male jury, emphasizing the sanctity of marriage.? Despite McFarland?s reputation as an abusive alcoholic and a murderer, the jury was persuaded that the sanctity of marriage was too important to protect.? It was considered legally justified to murder a man that is sleeping with your wife in the heat of the moment.
The commitment to the marriage institution is deeply embedded in our society.? We will continue to marry, but our individualism will lead to divorce, and then our commitment to commitment will lead us back to re-marry.? Cherlin believes that this is essential to our understanding of marriage, why we divorce, and improving relationships moving forward.
Filed under: Advice, Dating Advice, Dating Rituals, Dating Rituals and Norms, Relationship Research, Sex and Relationships, Sociological Research on Dating and Relationships
Tags: andrew cherlin, divorce, john hopkins, katie holmes, love, relationships, sociological research, sociology, sociology of marriage and family, the male perspective, the marriage-go-round, tmp, tom cruise
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